Running

It was the last day of school before the Christmas break. I had stopped my car outside the front steps of the school’s main entrance in order to drop off a colleague of mine after going for our annual Christmas lunch at a nearby restaurant. I’m a teacher and so is the colleague I dropped off. We both teach English to college students whose first language is French. I’m in my 40’s but sometimes I act like I’m in my 20’s. I really do. I think it’s because, in my job, I’m around young people of that age all the time.
Anyway, on this particular day, on the last day of school before the Christmas break – it happened to be a Friday too which was pretty cool – I was just about to drive away after dropping off a colleague when I saw a student of mine come out of the front doors of the school. He was coming out but his head was turned away. He seemed to be saying good-bye to someone. Then, he turned his head to face forward and started down the stairs as the door closed behind him. He almost bounded down the stairs, his gaze tilted slightly downwards to make sure he didn’t stumble. It looked like he was smiling – the kind of smile you get when you’ve just said good-bye to someone before starting a long vacation – but I couldn’t say for sure. It was about three-thirty in the afternoon and it was pretty cold out – about minus 20 degrees Celsius or something – and windy. At least the sun was shining.

My student reached the bottom of the stairs and started walking west, in the direction I was about to go too. The sun sets pretty early in December and was pretty low in the sky. As he walked away, he became almost a silhouette. A long shadow seemed to follow him. I was about to pull up beside him and offer him a lift home – he probably rented a room not far from school – when all of a sudden he started running. He was pretty tall and slim and it almost looked like he was galloping. It really did. I drove slowly out of the parking lot and onto the main road. He had cut through some parked cars and was running pretty parallel to my car, a bit ahead of me. I decided not to bother him. He looked pretty happy, the way he was running and all. He pulled the hood of his jacket up around his face and continued. He looked cold but I could tell he was happy. I didn’t want to bother him. I drove on.

I am not flying yet.

BeaverTails

Yummy.

OK so this is hard work

Sort of. I actually painted today so maybe I will write about that soon. Except I'll be on vacation for two weeks starting Sunday and won't have access to a computer. By choice. I know you're thinking "She's already on vacation because she's a teacher..." I mean, I will be AWAY on vacation doing vacationy type things like staying in an inn and then camping and visiting friends in New Brunswick. I have some old friends from university who live in NB and everytime we get together, it's like the movie The Big Chill. Or at least I like to think it is. It's not really because we didn't really all go to the same university. Just some of us did and others are like siblings or partners etc. And it's only two people plus me this time. And my boyfriend who is not part of the original group at all. There used to be more of us who used to get together more often but now we're getting older and too tired to travel much.

Ramble ramble ramble....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm0_zHbDJ-4&feature=related

Just one of the many songs I have enjoyed listening to on Youtube today.

Barbie art

OK so I spent a couple of days sorting through my daughter's Barbie dolls and other toys. I became quite giddy and took these silly photos.

Another sunny day...

It’s another sunny day and another chance to stay indoors and write a post for my brand-new blog. Instead of picking up where I left off, I am going to go in another direction. First of all, I’d like to mention that a few hours after completing my first posts, I felt stupid and embarrassed and wanted to erase everything. “Who the hell do I think I am?” I thought to myself, “‘My life as an artist?’ Could I be more pretentious?’ Another voice answered, “Don’t worry about it! Just keep going. So you might look stupid. So what?”

So what? Well, maybe I AM stupid. Maybe this idea of mine that I have something interesting to say and that people will be interested in listening is a stupid idea. So be it. The process of writing seems to be helping ME so why should I care what others think? And, anyway, the few responses I’ve had so far have been positive so maybe my fears of being embarrassed are unfounded. So far. (Thank-you to my few respondents so far, by the way.)

OK So what’s going on? How far along am I on the road to unblocking the artist within? My mind has been drifting back to something Julia Cameron wrote on pages 30 and 31 of her book The Artist’s Way. She wrote “a list of commonly held negative beliefs” about becoming fully creative. Here is a list of the four that resonate with me most and my own reflections on why they resonate with me and what I can do about dealing with them.

4. I will abandon friends and family.

I spend a lot of time taking care of others; not only do I cater to both my daughter’s and my spouse’s needs but I tend to take on my neighbours’ and co-workers’ needs as well. I like to get things done and done properly so I am always there to lend a hand. If I concentrate on pursuing my artistic activities, I will be unavailable to make dinner, drive my daughter to her friend’s place, listen to my spouse complain about his job, call the roofing guy, help my colleague with his computer, etc. There is probably an easy solution. I need to set aside time to engage in a creative activity. The others will simply have to wait. I could manage this during summer, when I am not committed to teaching everyday. The bigger problem will come when I go back to work in the fall. I worry that if I get back into painting regularly, for example, I will no longer be motivated to get up everyday and go to my teaching job. I am the bread winner. If I become an artist, my family and I will starve to death!

8. I will have to be alone.

Ha. This is a good one. When I’m alone, I often feel lonely. When I’m with others, I often feel like I need to get away and be alone.

I like having an audience when I create. (Hence this blog-knowing that even one person may read this is a motivator for me.) I understand that this is part vanity. It is, however, also part insecurity. I lack a certain amount of conviction, a conviction that being an artist is really a worthwhile occupation. In the past, I’ve cleared my schedule, set up my easel, gotten out all my paints and materials only to end up feeling a nagging urge to call someone up or check my email. Hmm. What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of?

11. I will do bad work and not know it and look like a fool.

This is a big one for me. Once I finally get around to painting, I sometimes feel two things: Painting is HARD and Who am I kidding? I have NO TALENT. How can I fight this one? I have to remind myself how good I feel when I paint. It’s true. When I’m really into it, I lose track of time and feel light-hearted. On the other hand that feeling often leads me to not want to stop and then I forget to make supper etc. (see above.)

20. It’s too late. If I haven’t become a fully functioning artist yet, I never will.

Another biggy. I’m 46. Who am I kidding? If I was meant to be an artist, I would already be one. How do I fight this feeling? I may be 46 but I sure don’t feel 46 when I’m painting. If I create something and someone likes it, they won’t care how old I am. And my age can be an advantage. I can blow people away with all the wisdom I’ve gained from my 46 years of experience. (I may not believe I have any particular wisdom but it is true, that sometimes when talking to younger people, to my students in particular, I see them learning something that I may take for granted but that they have never considered.)

That's all for now. It's been grey and rainy for days but today is an exception. I really need to sit in the sun for awhile while I can. Rain is forecast again for the next few days.